Normalization

Donald Trump is not the usual president-elect. He was elected by those who want a drastic change in government, those who want to ‘shake up’ the status quo.

Bernie Sanders also promised change. People are not pleased with the current state of government, of the economy, of life in these United States. A periodic shake-up is good for a democracy.

But this time we have a baby/bathwater problem.

Trump seems to be uniquely unqualified for the office. He shows no interest in learning the actual duties of being president. He does not listen to intelligence sources; he seem to distrust any established procedures or experts, and he excoriates the press. He reacts in a childish and vindictive manner to the slightest criticism. He delighted in the discovery that there is an exception in the conflict-of-interest law that applies to the President, and seems to think that means that ethics in general do not apply to him. He has been characterized as a narcissist, and he has done nothing to cast doubt on that characterization.

Half the population is terrified. Trump has shown basic ignorance of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and seems to want to roll back the basic civil rights that people have fought very hard for in the last hundred years. It’s not all Trump’s fault; the Republican party seems to have been taken over by religious extremists who think Science is a matter of opinion. Economic gain by the economic elite is paramount; the environment is only important insofar as it represents a resource to be exploited.

Trump’s nominees for various cabinet positions have not be reassuring. Most either know nothing about their department, or are actively antagonistic towards their department’s mission. Virtually all have major conflicts of interest, but are being rushed through with no opportunity for examination. We are hiring foxes to guard the henhouse.

We have reason to be alarmed. But not just because of Trump himself. We can survive Trump. People wanted change, and they’re getting it. But this has happened before. Every election offers an opportunity to change course. It is part of a being a democracy.

What alarms me, far more than Trump himself, is the behavior of Congress. It is complicit in the dissolution of the checks and balances outlined in the Constitution. Congress is supposed to serve as a check on the President’s power. Instead, the Republican party, seemingly delirious in their control of both the legislative and executive branches of government, are taking this opportunity to ram through their agenda — to the detriment of the country itself and its citizens (except perhaps the richest citizens). Congress is ignoring the autocratic tendencies of Trump; even feeding his ego. Foxes are guarding the henhouse.

What is normalization? This election, this presidency, is not normal. Yet I don’t think that is the important ‘not normal’. It would be satisfying to make fun of Trump, to call him names, to refuse to listen to him. And yet, that is simply descending to his level of petty. What is important?

I believe in the Constitution, in the checks and balances that have guided this country since they were adopted. The US, as a country, often heads down an unwise path. It rarely does the best thing. But it also has the ability to correct itself. There is a pendulum swing. It rarely goes so wrong that correction is impossible. That is the strength of our Constitutional government.

And that is what I see in peril. Congress and Trump are acting in a remarkably un-American fashion.  The President is not a king, or a dictator, or even a CEO. The President is deliberately just a temp — 4 years, with an option to renew employment for a second 4 years. Congress is supposed to restrain his power (and the executive branch is supposed to restrain the power of Congress). But Congress is ignoring its duty.

That is the normalization we need to fight. Boycotting the inauguration is an easy symbolic act. Annoying Trump is emotionally satisfying. But what we need to do is insist that Congress perform its duty; it must thoroughly vet each of Trump’s nominees, and hold them to the most rigorous standards. It must stop Trump from acting for personal gain,  or from doing anything that contravenes the Constitution. It must enforce the emoluments clause. It must insist that Trump follow the anti-nepotism rules, and that his nominees, who ARE subject to conflict of interest laws, are free of those conflicts. It must make sure that the basic civil rights of ALL people are protected. It must hold fast to our international obligations, or far from “making America great again”, Trump will show the world that America is a lying bully and an undependable ally.

This we cannot normalize.

 

Misogyny and “women only want…”

Some men think that “women only want to date rich men” or some variation on that theme. Usually it is expressed in conjunction with a complaint that “I’m a nice guy, why can’t I get a girlfriend?”, and sometimes with a bitter comment “she’d only try to take advantage of me anyway”. 

To be fair, there is the female analog: “Men only want to get into your pants”, or “men only want trophies; beautiful, brainless arm-candy”. 

I was looking at some ads from the 50s, which reinforce those stereotypes. But it was a different era. Women at the time were usually financially dependent on men — it wasn’t until 1977 that women won the right to credit in their own name. Before that, it was common for banks to require a husband or father to approve or even cosign a loan or account application. In the 50s, it was considered important for a husband to be a “good provider” for his wife and children. Of course, it was a package deal. Ads from that era also show husbands spanking their wives, and wives being obsessive about pleasing their husbands. 

Times have changed. Thank God. 

I mean, if those are the roles you want to play, and you have a willing partner, go for it. But nowadays we are no longer straight-jacketed by gender roles. A woman can be a CEO. A man can be the domestic partner, cooking and cleaning and caring for kids. Or both can act in partnership, as friends. They can work out who works when, who pays what bills, and who performs what tasks. It’s no longer gender-driven. 

I am flabbergasted when I hear “women only want…”. What women? Not the ones I know. But then, I don’t tend to hang around with women who just want someone to support them. And I think that’s the key. I think those men are looking for a particular type of women who will fit the 50s stereotype of female subservience. Unfortunately, that female stereotype requires the complementary male stereotype of a man who is a good provider. So men who make these complaints have two strikes against them. 

First, I think the vast majority of modern women do not want that role division. They want something more egalitarian, more friendship-based. But these men are not looking for women “like that”; they have already eliminated them from consideration.  And second, when they DO find women who fit their requirements, they find those women fit the whole stereotype – and those women are not looking for someone like them. Double whammy. 

So yes. If you think women only want to date rich men, and don’t care that you’re “nice”, I suggest you ask yourself what you really want. If you really want to buy into the stereotype of dominant man/subservient woman, then you are looking for someone else who is also looking for that, and yes, that means you will be the provider. That’s the role you are choosing. 

I would rather have an egalitarian relationship. Whether you become friends with someone who you are attracted to, or whether you find a growing attraction to someone who is already a friend, I think it’s important to be friends. Then you can find out if either or both of you want to work on a relationship together. Yes, this means you will probably be “friend-zoned” many times. That’s not a bad place. Most of us have friends. It’s a good thing. You may very well friend-zone her, too. Being friend-zoned just means that the question of a further relationship has come up and either or both of you decided not to go there.  It’s a clarification of the boundaries of a friendship. 

If you are offended by being “friend-zoned”, then one of two things have occurred. Either you entered the friendship under false pretenses (the “he only wants to get into my pants” type of friendship), or you have already created a relationship in your fantasies, so that for you, emotionally, it’s a breakup and not a clarification of possibilities. Breakups are painful. You may need to distance yourself for awhile. But remember, the supposed ‘relationship’ was one-sided. If you are wise, you won’t burn bridges; that person is still your friend, right?

If not, go back to your stereotype. You’re looking in the wrong place. 

Misfortune

There is a new cool trend: to celebrate being an empath. To show empathy, not sympathy. What is the difference between empathy and sympathy? You show sympathy FOR another person; you are sad that they are suffering, but you do not share their suffering. When you empathize WITH another person, you metaphorically put yourself in their shoes and share their pain.

Here is a great little video to illustrate the difference:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

If you prefer a more academic approach: http://www.grammar-monster.com/easily_confused/empathy_sympathy.htm

And some practical advice: http://facilitatoru.com/blog/facilitation/be-empathetic-not-sympathetic/

Since sympathy is a little more distant, it can come across as somewhat condescending — “oh, you poor creature”. Empathy, by contrast, says “oh, that sucks!” — probably a more therapeutic response for the afflicted person.  But that difference is not what this blog entry is about.

There is a navel-gazing aspect to some of these posts that I find disturbing.

http://www.empathconnection.com/quiz.html
http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html
http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/emotional-empath-EF.htm

From that last:

QUIZ: AM I AN EMPATH?

Ask yourself:

  • Have I been labeled as “too emotional” or overly sensitive?
  • If a friend is distraught, do I start feeling it too?
  • Are my feelings easily hurt?
  • Am I emotionally drained by crowds, require time alone to revive?
  • Do my nerves get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talk?
  • Do I prefer taking my own car places so that I can leave when I please?
  • Do I overeat to cope with emotional stress?
  • Am I afraid of becoming engulfed by intimate relationships?

Now, to me, these questions do not point to empathy. They more indicate sensitivity – especially, over-sensitivity. Instead of just being able to identify with what someone else is going through, it seems as if the self-identified ’empath’ co-opts someone else’s feelings, and makes it all about them.

Before we can move on to bigger things, such as helping others, we need to confront the challenge of really knowing, loving, embracing, and fully accepting ourselves as we are.

– from the EmpathConnection website

Yes, a cardinal rule for an emergency worker is to make sure that you are safe yourself; you can’t help a drowning person by diving in and allowing yourself to be pulled down and drowned yourself. But – in these descriptions, it seems that instead of tossing a line to the drowning person, the ’empath’ says “ooh that person is drowning. How horrible. I better take swim lessons”.  The person actually doing the suffering is no longer relevant.

Maybe I’m just being curmudgeonly, but this does not seem to me to be a trait to celebrate.

Phone with webtone

Here’s a solution I didn’t know I needed until recently.

I’ve got a pay-as-you -go cell phone. In the past, when I’ve used it to call Canada, the fee came off the card, and it was essentially as if it cost double or triple minutes. But then I changed to a monthly plan, with more minutes than I thought I would ever use in a month. And I called Canada, a good, long family call. I went online to check how many minutes it had used, and was shocked to find it hadn’t used any of my monthly minutes — Canada was out of the system, so they charged me separately. That one phone call cost two months of my economical plan.

So I looked for an alternative. Preferably free. And I found it.

I’ve had a free Google Voice number for awhile. It’s an addition onto Google Chat. Google chat itself lets you make calls to regular phones. Google Voice gives you a number which people can call. If you don’t happen to have Google Chat/Voice up, it will go to voicemail that you get as an email. Or you can forward it to another phone. Useful, but still limited in that you have to be at your computer.

[Enter an app, available for iOs or Android, called Talkatone. It interfaces with Google Chat, and allows your iPod touch or iPad to act like a cell phone, as long as you are in a wifi zone. I presume it will do the same with any Android tablet.] Google Voice now interacts with Google Hangouts; you can make or receive calls using the Google Hangouts app, even on a tablet or cell phone. .
It’s been working so well that I now have my home phone forwarded to my Google Voice number. If I am in a wifi zone, either at home or at a friends house or a coffeehouse, my iPod rings and I answer. If I’m not in a wifi zone, it goes to voicemail. From the caller’s perspective, this is no different from what it was like to call my home phone anyway, except that since gVoice sends me a notification when I get a voicemail, so I’m more likely to get your message and return your call. (My cell phone’s behavior is unchanged).

I’ve heard a number of people complain, to a greater or lesser extent, about cell phone coverage and/or costs. With this setup, I can see how it might even be possible to give up both a landline AND a cell phone, yet still have a working phone. It makes wifi, not phone service, the essential component.

Ten years ago, when I worked at Sun Microsystems, “webtone” was a big buzzword — the idea that an internet connection could be ubiquitous and easily accessible; you could just turn on a device and it would just be there — like plugging in a phone and getting a dial tone. We tend to call it “the cloud” these days, but the concept is the same. Pity Sun was more than a decade ahead of the times.

Meanwhile, I hope the techno-geeks among us might simply be delighted, as I am, that it works.

This article shows how to set it up.

Fwd: Make Free Phone Calls Over Wi-Fi/Data Using Talkatone [Android & iOS]
http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/free-phone-calls-wifidata-talkatone-android-ios/